Learning to laugh at our insecurities is an easy thing to say, but a much harder progression when they are tagged with your name on them in the jar for possible tribute. Insecurities, for the most part, are things we want to keep private. Every once in a while, we see the value of transparency and will openly share the stretch marks these feelings have left and whelped into our physical, spiritual, and mental images, but rarely. The stretch marks of something etched in my life for so long, that we have practically grown up together. Maybe for me, sharing mine would turn the LED brightness to places I do not want people to know exist. But here goes... I struggle with my appearance, and I am very insecure with how I look. I criticize every square inch of my face, my hair, my body, its shape, my neck and chins, and I am never satisfied with how I look. I struggle with approval and never feeling good enough. And if you really think about it, that's pretty selfish.
I spend way too much time worrying and struggling with something so physical and temporary; something so superficial.
A woman's beauty is fleeting, and I have never realized the TRUTH of that until recently. This notion is something I am painfully aware of, truly, but it is even worse when it is made more apparent by insensitive comments said to me in front of a group of people. I know my insecurity is there, like a horrible wart that needs to be cut or burned off, but there are moments when one comment or one thought brings all of the ugly to the surface. I am a soon to be thirty seven year old mother of two, that works full time, balances ministry with family time, works out when I can, and is generally pretty content to watch my favorite shows like The Handmaid's Tale, Jack Ryan, Grey's Anatomy, Riverdale, and the Bachelorette for good measure ( all of which might send me to the altar to repent, but it makes me more well rounded-- right Josh?!). So if I am older and wiser, then why is this insecurity among others still waging all out war on my thoughts?
Last week, I took the boys with me to the mall. I needed to pick up a surprise present for Josh for Father's Day, and I needed to find a bathing suit for our vacation. Shopping for a bathing suit is a very painful and meticulous endeavor for any lady. The only things more infuriating might be shopping for jeans or a jumpsuit! Something about the lower pooch and these hips that have birthed two babies that just do not make the best body for a jumpsuit to look appropriate on. Sad day! We go to Macy's and the boys sit on the couch while I am looking for possibles. I grab five to try on and take the boys with me to the dressing room. I really thought about leaving them on the couch but I knew there would come a moment when I would have to run out of the dressing room looking for them like a half dressed crazy woman, so in with me they went! It was a busy day at Macy's so every dressing room was full of other ladies, tackling the joys of finding the right suit to accentuate the right places and hide the bad ones!
Me- "Boys, noses to the wall while mommy is changing." That lasted all of about sixty seconds. If you want honest opinions about your bathing suit choices, or your body in general, just take Connor and Cooper. I didn't know that I could sweat so much in a dressing room, but trying to conceal and try on at the same time is hard to do! It would be one thing if I shared the same anatomy as my children in the room, but in this case, much separates me from them! The comments were priceless and maybe too much to share here, but myself and the other ladies got a kick out of them. I promised the boys I would get them a pretzel if they cooperated while I was in the dressing room. Mothers who take children with them to try on any form of clothing should get a medal. An impossible task, just got even more depressing. Honesty is the best policy. The lady that checked me out said that one day I would look back at this memory and laugh.
I had to laugh at my insecurities and the comments I heard and realize that to face and overcome anything, it has to be exposed. Jesus does not expose to humiliate but to strengthen and to honor that which we think is less than.
Where there is an insecurity, there is an invitation for healing.
He's after the hurt places, not to embarrass or humiliate, but to expose and to heal. He redeems what has been misnamed.
Proverbs 4:23 says "Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts." We have a choice as Christians- to believe truth or create an Eno hammock for the enemy to lounge back and watch us self-destruct. What I think on and ponder on, creates the rivets of brain activity. The enemy needs only to plant the seed of insecurity, and I will water it and add miracle grow to it all by myself. When my heart is truly connected to the Father's heart, I know good and well he doesn't see me that way. The enemy knows that identity creates destiny. The reality of our destiny is a close as taking one step forward. If the enemy can get you distracted from your destiny, he most certainly will. He doesn't want you to have one good day, followed by another, and another and another.
The problem for me, is the moment I start believing one lie, I will start believing ten more. I will get to the point where I am so insecure about everything that I clam up, get defensive, and run my engine on offense.
Being in that dressing room with my boys, made me stop and laugh at what I have allowed to be a thorn in my side for far too long. I don't want to look back on my life and know that I faithfully carried that insecurity from middle school to high school, and then to college, and into my marriage, and soon into my forties. Is that something the Lord is going to say 'good job Melissa, you stayed humble and carried your own self-deprecating device all this time?' ... NO! I like to think he might ask why I did not believe Him and what He says over me. I am priceless. I am worth far more than rubies. I hope that I can say I recognized my worth and taught other girls to see that about themselves. I walked in the truth and fought the battles that made me stronger, not succumbing to the one that has already been defeated. Stop blowing back up the pool float of lies that takes us under every day.
Matthew 12:34 "For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." I want to be full of love and life. Focus my attention outward and in service to others, not inwardly and selfishly. I will gladly step forward as tribute and behead the lies. The word of the Lord is alive and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and the attitudes of the heart. I am going to the enemy's camp, and I am taking back what he stole from me.
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