Yesterday was hard. Real hard. Hearing your kids have struggles of any kind is never easy to hear. I do pretty well operating in the knowledge that my kids compared to same-age peers might not receive the highest scores, but yesterday I was smacked in the face with that realization. The day started with a meeting with Cooper's reading recovery teacher. He is not progressing as he should be with reading and so he is getting some extra attention and intentional time at school for reading- and I am so excited he is getting that.
But amid the meeting, even as an educator, that sinking feeling and inner monologue of "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry" rolls along your spine and all your regrets and blame shaming rush to the corridors of your present thoughts and saturate your memories.
The positive in all of this is he is more eager than I have ever seen him about reading. He tells me that it's time at night to get his reading bag out and show me what he can do. He is proud of his level, and I need to learn how to be more proud of that too. A year ago, getting him to read was like pulling teeth. When I was in the second grade, I had a stomach virus when we were given our CATS test and was forced to stay and complete it before I could go home. To avoid throwing up and utter embarrassment, I hurried up and bubbled anything to make it go away. As you can imagine, my scores were very low. The next year, I was placed in a resource Math and English room and pulled out of my regular third-grade class for those times. I still remember the embarrassment. I needed the one on one instruction, despite the CATS test, but when anything happens with my children academically, I think back to that and blame myself. It is only because I worked twice as hard as the average person that I made it through undergrad, graduate school, and earned my Rank 1.
Later on in the day, yesterday, I met with the district psychologist to talk about Connor's re-evaluation for his IEP. In case you do not know, Connor is on the Autism spectrum and he has been receiving services in school his whole academic life. Reading through that report and listening to the psychologist tell me how his intelligence falls on the bell curve and the discrepancy from his peers was devastating. The inner monologue rose again, "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry" and the tension in me of what I could be doing more of, or a better job at, began to suffocate me. I saw the teacher's comments about how Connor has no motivation. The rest of my workday was consumed with student after student with heavy needs and by the time I got home, I was depleted.
Getting hit with two appointments about my children and how they struggle academically is no easy conversation, and the grief I carry about what did I do wrong, where did we go wrong, God where are you in this, and the anger was all-consuming.
I have always felt like in the busyness of taking care of everyone else's kids, I have neglected my own. In serving other people's needs, I have missed serving the ones that matter most. Whether that is true or not, it is a real struggle. Being a mom is hard. Being a working mom is gut-wrenching, at times chaotic, but all the time beautiful.
Friend, what I woke up this morning feeling, prophesying, and in full belief of is our pain is never wasted. Bob Goff says that "I've come to understand, though, that what brings us to tears will lead us to grace. God takes the weights of the pressures and disappointments in our lives and turns these into the very things that anchor us in our faith." Jesus lived the life we are in, he felt all the feels and encountered every type of person in the middle of every kind of mess. Jesus understands sadness. He does not see our situations and expect us to just rise up and immediately know the Sunday School answer; He joins us in the moment and is an ever-present help in our times of trouble. I used to think He was standing there thinking, "Hurry up and figure out that I've got this." But instead, He holds our hand and walks with us.
"He heals the wounds of every shattered heart. He sets his stars in place, calling them by their names. How great is our God! There's absolutely nothing his power cannot accomplish, and he has infinite understanding of everything." ~ Psalms 147:3-5 (TPT)
I might think that I need to explain to God what is wrong or why I hurt, but He understands and he always knows the condition and the desires of our heart. Connor and Cooper are marked by God, and they are destined for greatness. These boys are in a fixed fight, and all the bets from heaven and me are on them! The Bible says Connor and Cooper are more than conquerors- that means more than my version of best, better than the results of any intelligence test, better than the milestone checks, better than what KDE says they should be learning, better than the DNA that was passed to them, and better than what I could ever want for them as their mother. What awaits these boys on the other side of their obstacles is elevation. Because I struggled in school, now I can empathize and help develop plans for struggling students. There is a grace on our house, on Kingdom House, and inherent in my boys for healing. When we first found out Connor was Autistic, we were not as strong in our faith as we are now. Well-meaning Christians told us that God made you and Josh his parents because He knew you could handle it. Do you know what I have to say to that? NO, MA'AM! Jesus is a God of love, and He only knows how to give good gifts. We live in a fallen world, but we serve a risen Savior. He gets to decide my future, weave it all together into something brilliant, and He names us.
The only way to get to grace oftentimes is through trial. Perspective is key to experiencing a trial and using what you have learned and the wisdom God has afforded you to get to promise.
"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." ~ James 1: 2-4 (TMT).
Maturity is costly. Maturity holds it's tongue when you're hot-tempered. Maturity doesn't cower but it says 'you come at my kids, devil, and you just woke up a sleeping giant slayer.' Be mindful, friends, not to allow yourself to retreat to a place of fear when you hear what the world has to say, but advance to a place of perspective and peace. When obstacles come, we have to rely on what God has already said. He has already proclaimed that boys are the head and not the tail (Deuteronomy 28:13). He has predestined them, and those He has predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified (Romans 8:30). He plans to prosper them, and not to harm them, plans t give them hope and future (Jeremiah 29:11).
On the other side of your grief, there is grace. On the other side of your trial, is victory. Don't be that person that quits when things get hard or when it does not look like the way you think it should look. Don't try to wiggle out of tough prematurely, but allow grief to do its work on you and through you. Connor and Cooper are not lacking or deficient in any way. Our choice is to stay in trial and stay in our perspective, or we can trust and lean not on our own understanding. In my two boys' weaknesses, God is strong. In whatever trial you are facing right now, or if its ten trials, just know that God will use the grief and lead you to grace.
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